STIZZUFF ON THE BLING-BLING! OUCH!!! DO IT YOURSELF BRAIN SURGERY! I know, this one's hard to believe, but apparently… it's TRUE! Last week, Texan Steve Huey, despondent over being diagnosed with an inoperable, fatal brain tumor, attempted to take the dignified way out by putting a gun to his head and pulling the trigger. He was soon discovered by friends, lying in a pool of his own blood, but still alive. An ambulance was called and Huey was rushed to hospital where he made an astonishingly speedy recovery. Soon afterwards, an x-ray showed that his deadly tumor had been sucked right out of his head, having vented through the exit wound created by the hot lead projectile... and according to friends and family he's barely any dumber than he was before shooting himself in the brains! Doctors say the chances of ridding one's self of a brain tumor by shooting one's self in the head - and surviving - are two hundred and fifty-four million to one, against. In layman's terms, that means it's about as likely to work as the final scene in The Game, starring Michael Douglas and Sean Penn. *** *** *** YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK JEDI! ...if you've ever said: "May the force be with y'all!" ...if your Jedi robe is camouflage. ...if you have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. ...if your X-Wing is primer-coloured. ...if you know what Ewok tastes like. ...if your land-speeder is up on blocks in your front yard. ...if you think the worst thing about Dagobah is "them dadgum skeeters!" ...if wookies are offended by your B.O. ...if you have ever used the force while fishing and/or bowling. ...if you have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. ...if you kinda think Jabba the Hutt has a pretty good handle on how to treat the chicks. ...if you've ever heard someone say: "Luke, I am your father... and your brother!"

ON THIS DAY! May 13 Okay, this one is a little confusing, so try to stay focused! In the 1970s, a group of far-right-wing Turks formed an anti-Soviet/anti-American terror group called the Gray Wolves. The Wolves were responsible for hundreds of murders. One of their members was Mehmet Ali Agca. In 1979, Agca was arrested for killing a liberal newspaper editor, but escaped from prison while awaiting trial. He left behind a note declaring his intent to kill the Pope if the Pontiff didn't cancel his long-planned good will trip to Turkey. Security was tightened, and the Pope survived his visit to the Muslim nation. So far so good. In May 1981, Agca snuck into Italy and, on this day, walked into St. Peter's Square during the weekly Papal audience and shot Pope John Paul II four times with a 9mm Browning automatic. Agca was wrestled to the ground and the Pope was rushed to hospital where he underwent five hours of emergency surgery. Four days later, the Pope forgave Agca. Three weeks later, JPII left the hospital after making a full recovery. In July, Agca was sentenced to life in prison. In 1982, Agca claimed that he was merely a patsy in a KGB plot, arranged through the Bulgarian intelligence service, to assassinate JPII for his strident anti-communist rhetoric. In 1983, JPII visited Agca in the Italian prison where he was serving out his sentence. Soon after, Italian military police interrogated the would-be assassin to learn more about his conspiracy theory. This lead to the arrest of three Bulgarians and three Turks. In 1985, these six men went on trial for plotting to assassinate the Pope. Just as the trial was getting underway, Agca stood up and declared himself to be the second coming of Jesus Christ, and predicted the imminent end of the world. He further declared that the KGB plot story was created by "Western intelligence agents" as an excuse to smear the USSR in strongly Catholic South America, where communism was gaining popularity. Furthermore, Agca claimed that God had told him to shoot JPII, as was foretold in the then still secret Third Prophecy of Fatima. Needless to say, charges were dropped and the trial was called off. On the 19th anniversary of Agca's assassination attempt, JPII visited Fatima, Portugal, where the Virgin Mary allegedly gave three prophecies to some simple country girls in 1917. The first prophecy foretold World War II. The second predicted the rise and fall of communism. The third prophecy - long thought to be a horrifying prediction of nuclear Armageddon - was kept secret by the Vatican until this day, when it was announced that Agca was right… it was a vision of an attempted assassination of a Pope. So move it along now, folks... there's no need to worry anymore! There's nothing to see here! Well, Catholics the world over tried in vain to hide their disappointment at the anti-climax. All these years of intrigue and dark suspicions… and for what?! It all seemed like kind of a rip-off, somehow. Like a cover-up! Interestingly, far from offering a soothing bromide, this "cover-up" forces believers to accept one of two equally disturbing scenarios: either a) the Vatican reverse engineered a cover story about the Third Prophecy of Fatima in order to help hide some fast-approaching nightmare... or an unfulfillable claim - like, for instance, "the Moon will float away from the Earth in 1962" - or b) Agca really is the second coming of Christ, thereby explaining how he knew the contents of the closely guarded Third Prophecy of Fatima. In any case, Agca was pardoned by Italy in 2000, and is now in Turkey serving out the remainder of his sentence for killing that newspaper editor. He is due to be set loose in 2008, whereupon he will no doubt be welcomed with open arms by the Canadian immigration system.

THEY SAID IT! "If we can get people to come to our gym, it's only a matter of time before we can get them to visit our sanctuary." - Dr. Joe Samuel Ratliff, pastor of Brentwood Baptist Megachurch in Texas. *** *** *** "These Megachurches provide a universe where everything from the temperature to the theology is safely controlled. They don't have to worry about finding schools, social networks or a place to eat. It's all prepackaged." Dr. Randall Ballmer, a professor of American religion at Barnard College. Both today's quotes are taken from this New York Times article about the rise of so-called Megachurches in the American HeartlandTM. Basically, you can now sleep, work, go to school, hit the Cybex, eat McDonalds - and, of course pray - all without ever having to leave the cozy confines of your sectarian castle-keep. If you hit only one link in today's Dirt, let it be this one. It provides proof positive that we are living in an age of perfect satire, surrounded by people who don't realize they're playing parts in a vast burlesque.

JOKES Today's first joke was sent in by our new pal Stan... A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over. The policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?" "Why? Was I weaving all over the road?" "No," replied, the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away." *** *** *** Today's second joke was sent in by our new pal Sarah E... Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall when a flower show was in progress. One leaned over to the other and said, "Cripes! life is boring, we never have any fun these days. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!" "You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars. As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall, followed by loud applause. The streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "Wow, what happened?" asked his friend. "It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst joke was sent in by Erica P. A woman walks into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The bartender says, "Hey you can't bring that pig into the bar." The woman says, "It's not a pig, it's a duck." The bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

JERKY KNOWS! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky; In all of your news-worthy exposés and exploits, why haven't you covered THIS guy, who really sums up the oxymoronic nature of our species? Signed: Stein Dear Stein; I haven't provided Daily Dirt readers with a link to that website for the exact same reason why I haven't run a recipe for dead spider sandwiches. Because just as nobody in their right mind would ever want to eat such a sandwich - not even with a side order of a homeless person's hair, deep fried and sprinkled with toe-nail clippings - no sane person would ever want to delve into the inky, soul-sucking darkness that is Ouchy. I changed my mind about running the link, however, when I remembered our previous research which showed the average Daily Dirt reader falling somewhere just below the legal definition of "sane." So click away, my vile congregation... there is no website I can show you that can make you sicker than you already are. Except maybe THIS ONE.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TODAY'S TOPIC: CONSTITUTIONAL QUESTIONS... Care of: The Mad Doctor. Mopj, I've been reading through the Constitution again... specifically Amend. II, IV, & X. For some reason, these three seemed to stand out. Although I tend to pore over the Bill of Rights with the scrutiny of a rabbi plumbing the Torah, I still cannot seem to find any passage that covers what the United States has become. Article II indicates there are to be no laws infringing the right of the individual to keep and bear arms. The door is open to regulation, but seemingly only so far as a militia is concerned. I keep hearing all these noises (gun-control laws this, gun-control laws that) which apply specifically to the individual citizen. Are these really laws or just mislabeled regulations? And either way, are they constitutionally sound? Article IV guarantees the right of the individual "to be secure in their persons, houses, papers and effects against unreasonable searches and seizures" and then goes on to state "and no warrants shall be issued but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized." When a police officer pulls your car over and you refuse to consent to a search, you are removed from your vehicle, handcuffed and your vehicle is searched anyway on grounds of refusal being probable cause. Is this constitutional? Does the officer have a warrant in his possession detailing your name, make and model of vehicle? Is there some kind of fill-in-the-blank standing warrant that is issued to all officers? Article X. "The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or the people." Rather ambiguous... what does that actually mean? Just a few griping questions. The Mad Doctor [After two hundred and twenty six years, you'd think we would be closer to some definitive answers, wouldn't you? - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com