LEWD LEXICON A semi-regular examination of some choice neologisms that have sprung unbidden from the gurgling soup of our collective subconscious. Feel free to send in your submissions for consideration. TREASONOMICS ~ (noun) The kind of purposefully destructive economic policy -- practiced by rogue elements within any given government -- which results in said government being pushed towards fiscal imperilment, or worse. FAGNANIMOUS ~ (adjective) Descriptive of a homosexual male whose sex-life is marked by a selfless and generous promiscuity. DICK CHENEY ~ (noun) Business slang for a CEO who sounds like he has a lot of gravitas during meetings, and looks the part, but is actually incompetent and full of it. "He's a real Dick Cheney." *** **** *** Yer Old Pal Jerky's Words of Wisdom #314: Every house of worship is a crypt of the mind. *** **** *** COOL LINKS So that's how Bigfoot came to America! I have a feeling this lady really did get what was coming to her. Big Dick Cheney is so shameless, he exempted his own office from investigation. Think about that for a while. Ever wondered what a "liberal" is, exactly? This article goes a long way towards explaining the nomenclature. Poor Jack Kevorkian, man. Dude is still rotting in prison for helping people who want to die leave this shitty life with a minimum of pain. One day, if civilization survives, yer old pal Jerky believes there will be statues erected in this man's honor. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY April 25 On this day in 1792, the guillotine is used for the first time ever in the execution of highwayman Nicolas Pelletier. In short order, Madame Guillotine begins climbing the social ladder, separating numerous heads of state from the body politic (during the French Revolution, I should explain). On this day in 1898, the United States declares war on Spain, beginning the Spanish American War. This was the end result of a long process that began with the 1890 publication of Alfred T. Mahan's The Influence of Sea Power upon History, 1600-1783, which advocated taking over the Caribbean, the Philippines and Hawaii by force, due to the strategic and economic benefits such a maneuver would yield. And so it was that, after a mysterious explosion sunk the USS Maine at Guantanamo Bay, in Cuba, the Powers That Be got their war. Sounds familiar, don't it? Round and round and round we go. On this day in 1928, a German Shepherd by the name of Buddy becomes the first guide dog for the blind. Today, seeing eye dogs are revered as canine heroes. And yet surrogate sex dogs get no respect at all. There's no justice, maaan. On this day in 1933, the United States drops the gold standard. Ever since then, the economy has been founded on the illusion of fiat currency and the procrastinatory promise of future debt. Still, judging from the one bedroom apartment I live in, the leased vehicle I drive, the mass-manufactured food I eat and the audio/televisual stimulation devices I use to numb my psychic agony... I guess it works okay. On this day in 1953, scientists first identify DNA, the words formed by the genetic alphabet of life. On this day in 1984, Paul McCartney announces the official disbanding of his financially successful/critically despised, post-Beatles rock/pop trio, Wings. Chaos ensues.

THEY SAID IT! "People take their lives in other places than this bridge. They do it privately in locked rooms or barns or motel bathrooms or in college dormitories in the dark. They also do it publicly -- along the Metro Line in Chicago and from small bridges coast to coast. The Golden Gate Bridge is everywhere." - Filmmaker Eric Steel's motives might be pure (yeah right), but irregardless, the fact is that most of the people who will rent this flick will be doing so to see people plummet to their deaths, and not to ruminate on the existential meaning of suicide. *** **** *** "The reason people freestyle in Iraq or a war zone is to take their mind off a lot of things. Any chance I got, on patrol, or with other Marines, or by myself, I'm freestyling, I'm hooking and jabbing." - Corporal Kisha "Miss Flame" Pollard explains why American soldiers spend a lot of time rapping in Iraq. And here I thought it was because they had nothing to do anymore, on account of all the Private Military Contractors doing it all (or rather, sub-contracting it all out) for profit.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Gilles! I was in my back yard yesterday, trying to fly a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind caught it for a few seconds, then it came crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, my wife is watching me from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opened the window and yelled to me, "You need a piece of tail." I turned with a confused look on my face and said to her, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal DMZ for sending in today's second joke. A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway and nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks "What happened?" "Muslims have kidnapped Don Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney and George Bush! They are asking for a $10 million ransom, otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire! We are going from car to car, taking up a collection!" The driver asks "How much is everyone giving, on average?" "Oh, about a gallon." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Nan or Ben... She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?" She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment." He, thinking it's his lucky day, bends her over the kitchen table and they have sex. Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?" She says "The egg timer's broken!"

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: 45 REASONS TO RE-ENLIST care of: The Military 1. Yesterday sucked, today sucked, tomorrow is going to suck, and this seems to be a pretty solid forecast for the rest of my enlistment. 2. Spending 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year training for something that there is a 99.9% chance that we will never do. 3. WWWDWOA? (what would we do without acronyms?) 4. Taking simple daily tasks and breaking them down into nuclear physics before doing them. 5. Having to attend a brief prior to carrying out any task more complicated than picking my nose. 6. Being a personal servant (that's basically all I am) to any one of the 300 thousand people in the military who out-rank me. 7. Being an adult and having somebody inspect me everyday to make sure I put my clothes on properly, and put my shoes on the right feet. 8. Having to wear a "cover," or hat, every time I want to go outside. 9. I love cleaning the same places over and over and over until either the paint comes off or my hands are bleeding. 10. Without the military's influence and good teaching, I would never have realized that you can sweep water with a broom for hours every time it rains. 11. There just aren't that many jobs out there where you can rest assured that everyone you work for is just waiting to screw you over any way they possibly can. 12. If I got out, I would surely miss the idea of waking up every morning for a "meeting". 13. Getting to wear civilian clothes whenever I am on leave. 13. Getting to eat meat that comes in boxes labeled " not fit for human consumption" and "for institutional use only." 14. Getting "random" drug tests every couple of weeks. I was "randomly" picked for every test for almost two years straight. Not many people can testify to taking about 50 drug tests in the past two years without having ever been caught doing drugs in my life. 15. Waking up every morning and going to "staff meeting" where a piece of paper is read to me even though it is posted on the wall and on the offices internet, both of which I have access to. I guess I can't read. 16. Going to medical complaining of severe heart and chest pain and being told to come back during "sick-call" the next day. 17. I love the fact that my opinion has about as much influence as my sister's pet iguana's. 18. Because no matter how much I hate my job, I have to respectfully request to get a different one. Event then it is only if my "chain of command" permits. 19. You do not have to respect the person, you have to respect what they wear on their collar or sleeve. 20. I love the fact that the military wonders why we have so many people around the world that hate our country. I am sure that us being bullies and telling the world what they can and cannot do, then ignoring those rules ourselves has nothing to do with it. 22. I hate good food. 23. I love the " you are U.S. ambassadors" speech. 24. I hate spending time with my family. 25. Not only getting to do my own job, but getting stuck with as many additional duties as my chain of command wants to give me. 26. Having to change your computer password every two weeks to keep terrorists from hacking into our email or even playing a innocent game of solitaire. 27. When you get out you will only be 38-40. You still have your entire life ahead of you. Yeah, okay, I want my life to start at 38. 28. What? You are going on leave? 29. Oh, look...There's the boss. We better all stand at attention until he tells us we can move. Do they do that in the civilian world too? 30. Is that local time or Zulu? 30. I want to work somewhere that has total control of my paycheck so that they can take half if I mess up. 31. If I get in trouble out in town I would like to get woken up the next day at 6 am and have to stand in front of my boss, manager, assistant manager, and anyone else who has nothing better to do so that they can all chew my ass. 32. Can we be tested to make sure we are physically-fit every year only please make exceptions to this for enormously fat 30+ year old NCOs and Officers. 34. Where else can you pay taxes to pay your own paycheck? 35. You take an oath to support and defend the Constitution, and after that the Constitution doesn't even apply to you. 36. Because only during magic shows and military working hours are the rules of logic suspended. 37. Because no-matter how stupid you are, you will eventually get promoted by accumulating points for not getting promoted. 38. Because where else can you get your teeth drilled and jacked up whether they need it or not? 39. Where else can you get given shots by people who claim to practice medicine that didn't even graduate from high school, and can't even pronounce the name of the drug that they are injecting you with? 40. Because if you've had enough military #### for one lifetime and you want to quit, you can rest assured that the military will do everything it can to screw you over for the rest of your life. 41. Because it's fun to go to medical to get your eye checked out and have the tech point a light in your eye for ten minutes until you are blind and then to hear them say, "that was cool, let's try the other one." 42. Why did our parents even bother giving us first names? 43. IN what other job can you do things NOT the RIGHT WAY, but the "MILITARY WAY"? 44. Sitting around twiddling my thumbs all day long until about 4:00pm, even though I finished all of my work by ten in the morning is really fun to do every DAGGOM DAY...it builds character. 45. Who really wants to have any control over their life anyway? FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! b2 wrote: "The beauty of wind is that it will never run out. Harvesting it doesn't pollute the atmosphere, irradiate the land, or kill caribou/seals." It may not run out but putting up enough wind powered generators will eventually slow the rotation of the earth. Days & nights will become longer making huge temperature swings which will alternately burn crops by day & freeze them at night. We will run out of food. Of course this will never happen because man will not be around long enough to build that many wind powered generators. These generators may not kill caribou or seals but they do kill birds. Avian flu is an incredible example of adaptation. Birds have instinctively developed this virus to combat man's creation of bird killing machines. b9 [I never thought of it that way. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; About the thermite theory... Watched the evidence; never heard of the stuff. Looks like the story is all there. A MUCH more plausible explanation than the ones we've been handed. Good eye, Jerkens! McTubers [Not my eye. I just linked to it. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPY, Sorry man, but the story about the tagger and Air Force One is bogus. Although the wish is real, the video is not. cplmrk [FUCK!!! - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerks, I gave up water many years ago. I have drunk cheap wine almost exclusively for the last twenty years (Iam now 77). In the USA you even put poisons, fluoride, into the water to provide an outlet for a byproduct of the nuclear power and fertilizer industry (don't google it, you will be horrified). As David A says, wine, even cheap wine, has been purified and filtered, and the alcohol kills most of the bacteria you find in water - how about the traditional worm in tequila? So, Jerky, drink a couple of glasses of wine every day, not beer, that makes you fatter, and if you get thirsty drink fruit juice. Etna Fred, Wine Drinker (We make good wine on Etna) [The acid in Coke kills everything. - Jerky] *** **** *** Re the thermite... Yep!!! I never believe anything until it has been officially denied. RASTY [Me neither. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Read your guest columnist's columns before you run them. I hate it when someone spells lose with two o's. Automatic spell checkers can't catch it. Dick [That's in the past, maaan. - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Mr. Jerky... I'm no engineer. On one side I watch those WTC videos. On the other side I listen to my brother (a United Airlines captain) explain the amount of fuel a fully loaded passenger plane carries and how hot it burns. And I've also watched several Science channel studies on how the WTC was constructed and how thin those floor joist supports actually were and how it was that they failed. Watching liquid metal pour out of that building and telling me aluminum burns white and metal burns yellow doesn't convince me. Those floors collapsed in the exact locations the planes entruded. Are you telling me those terrorists knew exactly what floor to crash those planes on? Sorry... I'm gonna need more. I'm more inclined to believe that those terrorists were given a green light by somebody other than Osama and that the rest of everything that happened was caused by inertia, jet fuel and the way the World Trade Center was constructed. Keep up the excellent work. Cheers, Andy S. [I'm not fully convinced, myself. But I still find this argument damn compelling. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com